unemployed husband won't do housework

Hell survivehes not a child. You already know what to do. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. He was very nice and very attentive to me and always called me beautiful and brought me little gifts. Wow! He refuses to tell me he loves me and has said as soon as he gets things situated he is leaving and moving back home. ..Over analyzing the situation. 3. This dip s*** is running you like your his mommy come pick me up, I got fired again, the guys at the company looking out the window seeing numb nuts standing out on the street waiting for a ride form his girl, joke. I meant to say in my last comment that I did (as opposed to didnt) eventually find work I apologize for the typo. Private chat services are also available at thehotline.org. Ive grown extremely bitter & have become angry towards everyone around me, including people at work. I feel unsupported and try to talk with my DH many times but he just listens and shows no or little improvement. Knowing that my husband naps in the afternoon and does nothing but laze around the house really turns me off him. "We can't talk about the employment situation," he said. The wife works long hard hours, but certainly chips in on her. That means he is about to be evicted or setting you up to pay his bills. I want our kids to be raised in a two parent home. But what I see described here is a sort of financial abuse almost. I tried to explain to him that while I agree with him, hearing about it constantly is not of interest. Her unemployed husband became so discouraged that instead of looking for work, he would sit at his computer doing little else. He's a proud person. I know this s*** from your partner is embarrassing, insulting and his s*** makes you feel like you did something wrong and you did not! Since I loved him, I bought him a car and paid off his ticket and got his license renewed. Him taking his dishes to the sink is, like, a friggin noteworthy event. What a huge mistake. I dont pretend to know what is the right advice or best advice for anyone in a situation where they are being abused and/or live in constant fear of abuse. I never wanted to be where I am right now and spent my younger years working and studying so I wouldnt have to be! Once released, i already knew there was something going on between him n the girl. Unemployed men: how female partners suffer - The Sydney Morning Herald Not to mention the wounds caused by her burnt skin. I am finding it increasingly hard, dark and lonely. Copyright 2007 - 2023 GoodTherapy, LLC. Im about to go crazy! Often the partner who shoulders most of the emotional labor grew up with a parent who over-functioned to compensate for a partner who slacked off. Most of the time neither of us wants to do tedious things, and those conversations arent exactly fun, but usually we can come to some sort of agreement. Feel as though Im enabling the behavior as I continue to stay . If one person works more than the other does that mean the person who works fewer hours has to do more chores? This has lasted way longer than we ever anticipated that it would and quite frankly there are days where I just see no light at the end of the tunnel. 1. Were lucky, I guess, that he has SOME form of money coming in, but I cant get over the fact that this all happened so quickly. I cant afford medical aid/bills anymore. It seems to me that Men are not allowed to be out of work for more than a few months at best, where as many men have wives who do not work and spend their money but that is ok! My live-in boyfriend has been unemployed for two years, so I totally understand where many of you are coming from. How long do I wait? It may take some alternative solutions, such as hiring a teenager to mow the lawn. No one is saying it is easy, and no one is saying there wont be difficultiesbut why are those who give that advice painted as insensitive or just dont understand? So, start from the end, my sister was marrying an unemployed person, who was unable to bring money on a reguler basis. Now he is not speaking to me because I had to point out that he completely blew off looking for a job for 6 months. I have been in a relationship with my fiancee for 15 years. When I read about many of the man in the letters above, I see that some have slumped into learned helplessness. A lot of time even they separated from their abusive partner and safe. So yesturday he left but he left all his belongings behind. As for how to bring it up, Alicia Clark, a Washington, D.C.-based therapist, said to avoid blunt criticism that might, however unfairly, make you seem like a nag. Email your money conundrums tomytwocents@nymag.com. I doubt itll be the same thing, I swear. You get the picture. So back in brutal Britain I got some work again and then had a major relapse of my illnesses without anyone to offer me support. It certainly doesnt sound like he contributes that much anyway. We moved to a new city together last April so I could go back to school and she worked for 2 months during the Summer, but has been for the most part unemployed since last January. There has to be a point in time when something clicks in your head and says time to grow up. Your husband sounds almost like he has manic episodes, with the affair and addiction and the timing with it all. He has anxiety, he been through many health issues (serious) and made a 100% recovery. I should have had a lawyer. So this has been tremendously difficult for me but he does not care. By entering your email and clicking Sign Up, you're agreeing to let us send you customized marketing messages about us and our advertising partners. They dont want to fit in the position job market needed for the time being, but they just want to work in the position they like. The rest of the time he is playing video games, laying in bed, hanging out with his friends.. basically do whatever he wants. We recently discovered that a bank account that was supposed to be closed a long time ago has been open and silently accruing fees. While hes unemployed he can learn a new skill like mastering Microsoft Office or learn a new language. You can't change a narcissist and you should never marry one. Not to be funny why are your days so long??? Or he wont. A spouse whose optional work is now a couples only source of income may all of a sudden shoulder the weight of paying bills. That is very hard! Read on! I was married in a sacred church and supposedly we are all supposed to live happily ever after, and be together even after we die. then in 2011 she brought a gang of 4 smoochers for 2 years. My boyfriend of four years has got himself into the position where he doesnt have a drivers license, his car is not registered or insured (and he doesnt drive it), and seemingly no motivation to get a job. He said hes always been the one with all the answers, and now he has none. Hes been out maybe 3 days putting out resumes and had one interview. He started school up recently and I am working as a waitress and going to college as well. I am in the exact same situation. But I dont get to break down and scream and cry because Im supposed to be thankful for a job and for a husband. Its true that this is a bad time for men. The former business partner decided to first, move from my brother-in-laws offices and set his own office, and, my brother in law was not invited to join them. Compared to their employed counterparts, unemployed women, but not men, perform even more housework in a country where the . When the pandemic hit, he lost his good-paying job, when his companys clients decided they werent sure of the implications of bringing outside people in daily or weekly to touch their employees computers/share air, etc. 2. My sister refused to ask him details (big mistake! That when his employers are looking to make cuts why is he always the first to go. Im in a similar position (except Im the woman bearing the financial burden) and I think its wrong regardless. I last posted on Jan 23, 2015, I was totally miserable back then. I appreciate all the support . Fabulous! I was so upset and desperate that I didnt have the strength to argue back what I had done for him. I felt so alone and Im not the most sociable person on the planet anyway. He refuses to work, has bankrupted Me twice and has consumed so much money from my elderly parents that they are nearly starving. Ive recently started seeing another man which I never thought i would as a married woman. For my 2 children I have to work hard no matter how. If she is not willing to work when you are both in significant debt, there is a big problem. Ever since weve been dating, she continually talks about wanting to go back to school, but its been 2 years of not applying to any school and almost a year of not handing out any job applications. He fooled you. Im to the point where enough is enough either change or leave. Home Terms of Service Privacy Policy Sitemap Subscribe to The GoodTherapy Blog. i am about to leave and file for a dissolution of marriage! He claims he applies for work but I doubt that. He has destroyed my personal property, threatened me, and holds me virtually hostage for fear of an outburst of temper. "I suggest that the couple sit down and create a chore chart . We had a bathroom . When youre not married, youre free. I had viral and emotional problems and extreme overwork. Wow. He has read all my emails and drives me crazy about my past. Sit down with him and talk, and let him know that what he's feeling is okay. I went to see the counsellor and she told me frankly that I have to be prepared things are not going to change for the rest of my life. Now I have no qualms about women who want to work and have careers, etc But sadly, it affected almost all marriages and families into believing it was also the womans job to work outside the home.AND inside as well. It has gotten to the point where everything he says and does aggravates me and I have NO compassion for him whatsoever. I have tried to be supportive and be positive and encouraging as well as needing to be firm. I know cleaning isnt a fun hobby, but neither is the job I do to pay our bills. This isnt acceptable. and i have been many of these comments, in fact, i came to this website because this is my situation. But they messed him around. I was able to talk to him about going to a doctor to sort out his mental issues. It is a big shock especially at a time when we have teenagers who have physical and educational needs that need to be financially met. sometimes we all need friends to help us through the decision making process, everything our partners don t want us to do, afraid we will get stronger and not be guilty when we walk. Now I know that you MUST ask details BEFORE you marry anyone). Everyone including my parents tell me to leave him but i love him. We did know too much people in the new place and I tried hard to get any type of work , while my DH busy keeps busy in his volunteer work in a political party. to help you, youre better off alone. It has been at least a year that I have been financially supporting both of us. I dont know what to do. Not just for yourself, for your family as well. I always paid for every activity we did and eventually he became depressed living with his parents so he moved into my apartment. My partners mom is really disappointed of what happened to me. Another similar story here. Hi Star, Its not your problem if he has no where to go. Speaking to a therapist or counselor can help you work through your feelings, and if your girlfriend is able to speak to a therapist or counselor, she may be able to renew her sense of hope. I am beginning to rescent him and no longer have any sympathy for his situation. Third, map out any debt they have accumulated and come up with a budget so they can work . First it was an industry crisis. Haha. So I lost my dream. Everytime I bring something up about him not starting the business, I feel he shuts down. I am loathe to think that he is taking advantage of me, but it has been weighing on my mind. Promise you wont damage yourself for a man! Whats always annoyed me is when outsiders suggest that the person retire or go on disability they wouldnt be dealing with them 24/7/365 for the rest of your lives together you would be. Were sorry, this feature is currently unavailable. I have 4 little girls who look up to me, who I have to be a role model to. I already suffer from depression and this situation really doesnt help. I feel worried about our marriage, because I sometimes truly think he is wallowing where he could be being stronger and more grateful for all that we do have. He had a great job for 12 years and then the company moved. I just want to run away about 99.8 percent of the time! In fact it grinds you down becoming very dark and lonely. In fact, youd be better off leaving his employment status out of the conversation entirely, says Kathryn Lively, a sociology professor at Dartmouth College who has studied gender and its effects on emotional labor. No. To start with I have never really seen him work hard before but hes had reasons. I know it is not something I will be able to talk about when I get home, I will have to say it was boring or all I did was work (even though we are already planning lots of cocktails, sitting by the pool and massages). I see that he is eagerly trying to better himself and perhaps that is why we are still together. Try reaching out to a legal or finance recruiter and see if they can place you in an entry-level position. Hes here constantly causing fights and bickers Because how can I keep ignoring that hes not going out looking for any work??? I tried to talk to her, but she really doesnt listen when I try to talk about him and his lack of work and his crap and its starting to affect the way we live. He drives them to school, picks them up at various times/places, after sports, etc. If I break up with him and kick him out, he literally has nowhere to go. My heart goes out to Ms. Y and people like her. Wow! Tried several times! I guess my point is that I am building up resentment, but I feel I cant express it. What Ill say to every woman on this forum is: I am at my WITS END! I dont see separating as part of how you take care of the relationship state. Let me know if Im sounding too harsh. I am 52 years old and tired. Not even temp work. My advice to you would be to get out of the relationship as fast as possible. He says he worked for 20yrs i can support him for a while. Then he expects sex every day and I dont have the energy for it. Ps my partner is also a drinker and has a problem. Ive been with my husband for 22 almost 23 yrs, have a 20yr old son, 15 almost 16yr old son & a 12 yr old daughter together. I was used to being self sufficient. When she starts a fight, i guess it really is over money, although it might not be apparent at the time. Boy have times changedand not for the better for women. FYI the law wont help women. We have also been working on better communication and finding new ways to deal with anger..its all a process. To me, their complains sound reasonable. He does next to nothing around the house (hell occasionally cook and/or clean if the mood strikes him) and other people are expected to step in and pay his bills because he doesnt work (wont even get a part time job) and lives on a fixed income. My husband has been back at work for 3 yrs. He seldom take a look how fast I does these house work and how much I do with a long full time work. He has only paid for two dates since Ive known him and lived with his parents when we met because he had little to no money. And, one more btw I have a job that requires a lot. Ill get on my hands and knees and scrub toilets for minimum wage 16 hours a day before I go years unemployed. HELP! All the other staff went to the new office. I love him with all my heart and I cant imagine life without him, but I dont know what my future with him will be. My grandmother passed away two months ago, and it was a really tough time for me, as it brought other family issues to light. My husband got sick- turned out to be appendicitis, but it took the docs a year to figure it out. But knowing and doing are two different things. And YOUR life is very precious!!!! I love your math equation with balanced ratios of income to household labor, like a tidy economic model. I am left to think this whole 15 years was a big fat waste and now shes got me to do all her dirty work. i actually went looking for support to see if i could find a partner being an unemployed woman and this made me sad. And I started over with darn near nothing. I am tired. He is always downstairs by himself watching tv because he hates living here so much. It makes me really angry to spend all day working and taking care of the house as he just sits there playing computer games. 8 years together and now I got the office job I always wanted, and he (even with a Masters in mechanical engineering).cannot get anything besides a bar job from 4pm-1amhe is either under qualified, or over qualified for real jobs. We have been together since 23 and now we are 31just when life is getting serious. You messed up, now you got to fix it and its tough because feelings are involved games played and keep reminding yourself of what you deserve and what you want and are able to give In return, the answer will reveal itself and the thought of you hurting yourself because of some guy with two legs a penis and no sense only shows how he has got you right where he wants you. Ive spoken to him about it before but he has always somehow made it out as though Im being insensitive. He swears he meant none of it, but he isnt the type of man to say things on that emotional level unless he means it. A Woman Has Been Charged for Allegedly Taking Abortion Pills. You cant work with dead beats who history is unemployment and living off the girl friend and then demanding sex? When my family is not a topic, then it is president elect Trump and all the horrible things he has done or is going to do. I know these are terrible thoughts, and I try my best not to let them out to her, but they are there. My husband has been out of work now for nearly 2 years and its been a true test of our relationship, but I think if we can survive this, we can survive anything.

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